Four Horseman Scenario: How to greet the angels of death

Although most people will instinctively run in fear as the four horseman gallop out of the heavens wielding fiery swords, it is important to remember that angels of the apocalypse are more like grizzlies. Its all about respect with war, famine, plague, and death.

1)You need to assert your territorial dominance. Make eye contact but don't challenge with your body.

2) Show that your willing to stay your ground, but also back away slowly. Like we used to think about Tyrannasaurus Rexes - the vision of angels of death is based on motion. They specialize in tracking down and disembowling those who run screaming and blubbering in fear.

3) If you do try to stand your ground, your skull will be trampled under the beating hooves of their destriers.

4) Although you must make direct eye contact as they advance, do not maintain eye contact as they pass on either side of you. You can only maintain eye contact with one angel of destruction at a time, so if you turn your head, the likely result will be a sword through the back of that head from the other side. Most likely from plague. He's a son of a bitch.

5) After the angels pass, do not succumb to temptation and throw rocks at their back shouting "I told you you'd never take me," or some like nonsense. Shoot them in the back instead. You might not get all four, but if you make a good show you could take down at least two before you have to deal with the remainders.

6) Remember, angels of death can and will throw their swords so be prepared to dodge.

7) If you do manage to kill all four horseman of the apocalypse AND their respective mounts, declare yourself emperor of the planet immediately. This is your only chance. You did just save humanity while everyone else fled in terror.

8) If you either decide that your marksmanship is insufficient to take down at least two of the four horseman or you do not possess a fire arm, wait until they have vanished over the hills and the screaming of the innocent has faded away. Then pat yourself on the back and wait for someone else to declare themselves emperor.

9) If no one else declares themselves emperor, make yourself a cup of hot cocoa. You're pretty much screwed at that point because the four horseman will come back for you when everyone else is gone.

Waffle scenario: looking for the root cause

In the event that the apocalypse occurs in the form of a cessation of waffle existence, things are not always as it seems. Though the complete absence of waffles may well be the end of the world, it is also possible that some sort of underground dwelling subspecies that feeds on maple syrup has abducted the world supply of waffles in order to generate a surplus of syrup to give them the strength they need to tunnel their armies above ground and begin their world seige. In case of the waffle scenario, before giving up all hope, the governments of the world need to perform seizmic surveys of the earth's mantle and crust and search for vast underground tunnel networks. If such a network of tunnel's are found, the logical following step is for the global population to increase their rate of pancake consumption, foregoing eggs, bacon, and toast in order to further deplete the production of maple syrup. Slowly but surely, the underground subspecies will starve, creating the opportunity for the recovery of the waffle supply.

Remember: many apocalypses may start off looking like other possible apocalypses and it is important that we make sure that we attempt to avert/survive the correct one. Imagine preparing to defend against giant locusts only to discover that our pesticides are useless against the zombie hoards.

The moral: In case of apocalypse, break glass, but first make sure you break the right glass.

Some possible apocalypses

Now, creating a comprehensive guide to the apocalypse is a big task, so this guide will start off with an index of as many different types of apocalypse as possible, and each post will be labeled in the title to indicate the manner of apocalypse the particular post deals with. An example would be: "Nuclear Holocaust: How to keep the fallout from eating your flesh" or "General: Shotguns look really cool in any apocalypse"

1) Nuclear Holocaust.
2) Raising of the dead (Zombies, vampires, ghouls, ghosts, demons possessing corpses).
3) Rising up of nature (attack of ants, wolverines, squirrels, etc.).
4) Natural disaster (flood, meteor, volcano, ice age, a gentle misting rain that makes everything so dreary and rusty that the world population opts for mass suicide).
5) Alien invasion.
6) Four horseman of the apocalypse (and divine retribution in general).
7) The earth just sort of gives up, deflates, and everything sucks into a whirling vortex.
8) Eggo Waffles cease to exist.
9) GW declared soveriegn lord of all the universe.
10) A world government is created by actors.
11) Too many people forget to flush.
12) Miscellaneous.

This list will be updated and expanded as the needs of the guide see fit.

Welcome!

Welcome to the Junior Fire Chief's Guide to the Apocalypse! As the end times are always at hand, everyone needs a commonsense guide to help them get through them. Do you think the world will be overrun by giant ants? Wiped out by epidemic diseases? Assaulted by aliens? Invaded by axe wielding angels? This page will slowly but surely dispense handy and pragmatic advice from numerous thinkers who have dedicated themselves (half-assedly, to be sure) to providing a useful guide to all the paranoid doomsayers out there.

Stay tuned!